something i actually said to my boss today:

“can i go back to my work now?  you have said what you wanted, and i agreed to do it.”

“oh, i’m so sorry that i’ve kept you from your work.”

“you said what you wanted me to do and i agreed.  you have repeated the exact same thing three times now, and i have said okay.  i am not arguing with you.  i am not fighting you on it.  i will do what you want me to do.”

[he exits, unfortunately not pursued by bear, though quite angrily.]

well, he has actually broken me.  i have never behaved so unprofessionally in my life.  it was a point of pride for me that i can remain professional and collected in basically any situation.  including, but not limited to, a volcanic eruption preventing me from attending my best friend’s wedding in london [fuck you, iceland.  i hope you sink to the bottom of the ocean] and julie taymor causing thanksgiving to be cancelled.  in both of those situations, i excused myself, pulled it the fuck together and got on with my work.

if we want to be entirely fair to me—and i usually do—i said the above statements in what i think was a level tone of voice.  my judgement may not be entirely trustworthy because i have worked 60 hours this week, 10 of which were today with no lunch.  a piece of evidence that backs up my claim that i did use a level tone of voice:  one of his complaints today was that i don’t seem appropriately panicked. 

let’s address that comment briefly.

-what i appear to feel and what i actually feel are very often two entirely separate things.  perhaps if one were to drag oneself into work before 11:30, one could have witnessed me crying in front of everyone on friday.  does that seem like an appropriate level of panic?
-i am not dysfunctional.  making me feel bad does not make me open up.  when you make it the point of every interaction we have to make me feel small, you are shut out of my emotional life so hard i wouldn’t tell you how i’m feeling under pain of death.  if you think i am going to let you see me flip out, you are going to be disappointed.
-since fucking when did doing ANYTHING in a panic help at all? work done in a state of panic is poorly done and doesn’t actually go faster than if you keep your shit together and keep working efficiently and calmly. 

i’m SO sorry for not creating enough panic on our team.  maybe on monday all i’ll do is cry and yell at people.  probably not though.  that sounds even more exhausting than just doing my job has been lately. 

p.s. where are those pursuing bears when you need one?